I'm a little freaking out right now. OK. I'm a lot freaking out right now. A BIG part of it is that I have a cold. For some reason, when I get sick I get all needy and insecure. And needy. (Warning: this post is full of bad grammatical choices).
Aaand I just got this weird call from Arizona informing me some charges had gone through on my bank card. They want to know, did I make them? Nope. I did not just buy $300 worth of shoes at Zappos. No. That was definitely not me. Ok we have to cancel your card.
Freaking out big time.
My bank is still in NH because I can't find a credit union here that has literal free checking like my NH bank does. So I depend on my debit card for all my transactions. Taking cash out of the ATM is costly. And I can't even do that now till I get a new card. Hopefully there'll be a bank that'll cash checks for me in the meantime.
I was starting to feel pretty settled and competent here in the city. I live here now and everything is going to work out. That's how I felt.
But I've had monkey mind since Saturday. I was assured by my friend, while we were playing with makeup on Sunday, that I appear very patient and calm. BUT I'M NOT the voice inside my head is screaming while it beats its fists against the sides of its hips jumping side to side like Tigger on crack.
When my daughter left the nest three years ago (THREE. COUNT EM) I wasn't immediately conscious of the loss I felt. I mean, she lives here in the city, well Brooklyn, but close enough. But for eighteen years it was just the two of us. I still feel like a little row boat lost at sea, but most of the time I find a tie-off at work, or rehearsal, or hanging with friends. This card thing has me in the middle of a whirlpool wondering which side I'm gonna fly off of: Port? Stern? Fore? Aft?
And last night I kept having nightmares about being at an outdoors party except I was working at a desk and everyone wasn't nice. And there was a bag of pastel clothing - truly frightening.
I'm trying to pinpoint what it is I feel so wigged out about. There's a part of me that just knows everything's going to be OK. I have friends who will be available if I get in a desperate situation, but that's not going to happen. Even if I imagine the worst that can happen, I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Don't answer that.
Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and open an account here in the city. Cringe.
I don't even think I'm going to have time for that this week tho. I have rehearsal almost every night after work.
On the upside, I really want to save some money, and not having access to my account will certainly accomplish that. I mean, I came very close to making some purchases that would have spent as much as the thieves did today, but I reigned myself in.
Well, now. I feel all better. This is actually a good thing. I might just find my frugal side again.
And I realize, the biggest thing that makes me feel adrift is being by myself. If I had someone, a partner to be talking to about this, to reassure me, to make me laugh, and to depend on practically, this would all be a big ol' joyride.
Which brings me to what I really think; this is just the next lesson. Because I didn't even tell you about the platform nazi who semi-attacked me at rush hour today. He called me a Jew and everything. It was really clear that he was a bully. OK. Here's what happened. I'm on the platform, waiting for the A train. A really crowded one comes, and I have a huge bag with me cause I had my dad send my fur coat (which I got at a craft fair in 1985 for $50) because I might wear it in one of my shows, so I wait for the next one. It didn't come as quickly as I thought it would, so the platform filled up again. I'm standing near the elevator and this double carriage comes out and clips me on the leg. No biggy, the guy didn't see me, whatever. So when the train does come, I slither in front of this double baby carriage, which is now facing the train as the guy thinks he's gonna get on a rush hour train with this thing. Anyway, I'm waiting for the train to stop and unload and I feel a shove on my calves. I turn around and the guy is gesticulating at me. "Did you just shove me?!" I ask. He gesticulates about my slithering in front of his carriage. I shove the carriage back at him. "Don't shove me!"
He comes around the carriage like he's gonna hit me, with this creepy smile on his face. I just stand there. He goes, "Jew". I said, "What did you say?" He smiles and goes, "Yah". I yell something about derogatory terms, which I realize after wasn't what I meant, and also realize afterwards that he probably beats his little wife and enjoys it immensely, but I was on the train by then, far from the madding crowd, and completely aware that this moon phase has passed into it's waning phase and - Oh. Thanks Universe. This. is what's up. Awesome. And now the thing about the card.
But it really is all going to be ok. I mean, didn't someone post a picture of Jean-Luc in a "This is what a feminist looks like" T-shirt? Yah. Plus my waiter when I took myself out to dinner (and that's a perk right there; that I can do that) had a hispanic accent like the hispanic guy on That 70s Show. Made my night. Until the card thing.
Awwwwshiznit I'm gonna try and smile anyway
No comments:
Post a Comment