Believe

Whadyacallit?  What do you call it?  That waking nightmare feeling that's not a surprise or a shock kind of fear, but a low lying, persistent dread?  That dark, dark, place where you feel completely exposed without any defense against the worst from other people.

Yah, it's been one of those days.  Ya know, there's some residue from my childhood.  Sometimes I wonder if it is nurture or if it's some left over past-life memory.  I remember reading somewhere that when children have irrational fears that it could be carry-over from past lives.  One of the cases was a girl who was afraid of the shower.  Supposedly she'd been gassed in a Nazi concentration camp.  Her parents had to reassure her she wouldn't die in the shower.  I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, I tend to think I don't, but it does make me wonder.

I have a hard time believing that I've experienced this level of panic and terror in real life, although I know there were experiences I had as a child that would warrant it.  I know I don't experience it in the paralyzing way I did in my twenties.  I have much more distance from it.

But today, today was a new experience all together.  As is often the case, and my most challenging pattern, my deepest crisis of emotion is brought on by unfair treatment at work.  I know it's a reenactment of familial dynamics.  Unfortunately for me, I believe in that school of psychology that says you recreate your family relationships in your adult life.  I'm also of the school that you create your reality with what you believe and this belief is hanging on tenaciously.  Fifteen plus years of cognitive therapy has helped to lessen the hold and to move me up and to the outer rim of this spiral but it's still intense.

When I started this job I had great hope that it would be a great job.  I've wanted to work at this place since I moved back to the city and the orientation made me believe it could be what I thought it was.  I believed.  I believed that the philosophy of conviviality was true, that it was practiced by all who were employed here.  I don't know if I will ever be able to be a cynic.  I don't think I have that gene.

It didn't take long for things to devolve.  I was still operating from a belief in the employee manual ( I'm such a FOOL!) while people were demonstrating all around me that I was not over the rainbow and the Wicked Witch of the West was in charge here.  It took me about a week to start seeing the truth.  Even when I saw what was happening, I didn't accept it.  I fought against it.  Surprise, surprise, that didn't help.

I worked in other stores for this company and found that my store was the a highly dysfunctional one.  Many of the other stores I worked in not only had people who followed the rules, didn't steal and cheat, but had lovely, welcoming employees who were kind, and professional, and friendly.  I requested a transfer.  It didn't come through.  So, I tried to tough it out.

One day, after having been written up for someone else's lack of follow through the day before, I tried to call in sick.  The MOD talked me into coming in.

I gave away my upcoming shifts and  called all my temp agencies to see if there was any work available.

Three days later, I landed an assignment for a full time gig.  I decided to see if that would take some of the pressure of at the other job; see if I could stick it out.  I agreed to be kept on the schedule for weekends.

So I went in today with the attitude that I would try to let things roll off me.  That worked really well for most of the day.  Near the end of my shift a manager made some bad choices that were blatantly unfair.  I didn't react.  I stayed professional and friendly and finished my shift and gave my notice.

After all that practicing non-reaction and staying calm in the storm I thought I had made some progress with this pattern.  As soon as I gave my notice something happened.  Some switch was thrown in me and I just became overwhelmingly angry.  It's staying with me.  I keep practicing non-attachment, and I do get some distance from it, but I'm also feeling as though my soul got sucked out of me.  I go back and forth between feeling flattened by the drama and being completely detached from it.

I have just had the wonderful realization that the feeling I feel when detached from the drama is one of joy.  Underneath all of this fear is joy.

So bottom line, giving my notice was absolutely the right  thing to do.  Do you struggle with this;  with the question of whether to tough things out because you think you will grow from it or to walk away because no one should have to suffer that kind of ill treatment?

More and more I believe, pigheadedly and adamantly, the latter.  Does this mean I'm going to end up one of those homeless ladies, waddling down the street, my shopping cart overflowing with plastic bags full of mysterious items, mumbling to myself and lecturing people and swearing?  Or does this mean I'm changing my beliefs, and am going to steer myself towards employment where I'm surrounded by at least semi-reasonable people who don't have a need to treat others unkindly.

So far the office I'm in seems mellow.  It doesn't matter though.  I'm going to believe.  Let's see where that takes me.